So Much To Do

Christmas is almost upon us, time seems to move so fast.  I had a meeting with my Counselor (hi Jen) I had scheduled it in expectation of having been at my friends birth.  Needless to say she held out on me. Rather the baby held out on all of us.  Session went very well, I cried when I told her that I'm pregnant again.  It was the first time I've cried since we found out.  Like she said, crying doesn't have to mean sad, but maybe there was a little fear mixed in.  I know full well that it is perfectly normal to be afraid after having lost one child, that something will happen again.  I told my Counselor how frustrated C was the other day as I was explaining to our friend Kim how chemicals in canned foods that leach from the metal can are not good for pregnant moms and babes in bellies, he hollered something along the lines of, "ya know we did everything right last time and we still got fucked", and she brought to light how extraordinarily helpless we are.  He is right, there are no guarantees.  I made all the right choices, and my baby still died.  It certainly doesn't mean that I'm going to start making poor choices, (there may have been joking about going out and purchasing some crack and heroin and maybe having better luck this time, Joking folks, JOKING, also I wouldn't even know where to begin looking for such things) I will still be just as careful as I was when I was pregnant with P.  So I chose to make wise, informed choices for my child and myself, and I know that that is all that I have control over.  The rest, sadly is not up to me.  Today I stumbled upon a site thanks to a twitter buddy about pregnancy after loss, and advice from moms who have been there.  What a wonderful place to go to for reassurance!  You can find it here.

C has been down with the sickness this week, fevers as high as 104.5, yesterday being day 6 of it I was finally able to convince him to go to the doctor.  Visited with the new doctor at our doctor's office, and I've decided we like her.  She was very thorough with C, and confirmed what we were pretty darn sure of, he has a virus, and at this point there is nothing to be done.  I have not (cross your fingers, knock on wood) caught what he has.  I think he's beginning to feel better, he's becoming more active around the house.  I hate it when he's sick, neither of us sleep well, and its frustrating that I can't fix it.

This weekend it snowed.  I thankfully had the time off from work.  This is the view from my kitchen window.

I was able to finish my great nephews (boy it feels strange to say that, I'm too young to have a great anything) santa hat during the storm and it went on it way to him on monday.

I got a text from my niece on Tuesday with the recipient happily wearing his new hat.

Don't ya just wanna kiss those cheeks!!!! He is such a happy baby.  I also managed to sneak off to a spinning class on Sunday after church.  I had such a wonderful time, and best of all, I made YARN!  The class was in Gretna, a quick shot out the interstate, and so totally worth the drive.  Hosted by Tonya of Tonya's Cute by Design, the class was only 10 bucks, and because I was the only person for this weeks class I was lucky enough to get her full attention.  She was so very patient with me and my total in experience with spinning.  Her store is not just a yarn store, she has all sorts of fibers in the rough, as well as all the tools necessary to transform them into yarn!  She also carries locally made soaps and lotions, handmade knits knit by local artists, looms, wheels, spindles, needles and hooks, felting supplies, and last but not least yarn.  Lovely beautiful yarn. Really, if you're local you should go there, if you want to carpool or want company just call, I'll gladly go out again!  So back to spinning, I made this!

Thats right, two ply wool yarn!  Its uneven has heck but that's okay!  Later that evening as C and I were sitting down to watch a movie I decided to get the wheel out and spin the rest of the fiber I got for the class.  You get 2oz of fiber with the class btw, so the amount of fiber you get pays for the class itself.  I learned that you have to draft your fiber nice and thin, like so.

Then you spin it SLOWLY into a single ply and try and keep it even. Btw, that part is hard. 

Next comes plying, I like that part, you can go fast. At which point you end up with something like this, if you let go to take a fuzzy picture, that is.  

When I was done plying I had an entire bobbin full of my very own homespun yarn.  And I felt really really good about it.  Even though it is bad, bad yarn, I believe it is perfect yarn for a beginner! 

Then it got wound onto my brand new niddy noddy, also purchased at Tonya's.

I then placed ties at eight different points on the yarn so as not to get it tangled before it went for its first swim.

After about a half hour soak in wool wash and warm water I rolled it up in a towel and walked on it to get the majority of the moisture out, before hanging it up on a chair to dry.

Once that was all finished, I started knitting a baby sweater.  It was first brought to my attention by the YarnHarlot.  It is the Seamless Kimono in Madelinetosh Merino in Cousteau, and oh my gosh is it loverly.

That is as far as I have gotten.  That is my fifth go at it, I apparently am unable to properly read a pattern, and then I didn't follow the instructions for the increases properly either, and then decided that I didn't like the way that they increases were knitting up, I couldn't get them to knit without leaving holes, so I just did them my own way.  I am smitten with it, it is so very very soft, I can't wait to get it finished.  I'm already planning another one, one size larger, in 3 mos size, as the one above is newborn sized.  I'll be doing the next one in Madelinetosh Merino in Baltic.

I've been knitting a little on my last sisters pair of socks, admittedly, they haven't come very far.

I also got a new toy, that much like my spinning wheel I am learning how to use.  My new to me drum carder.  Got it at Tonya's as well.  Had to go home and sleep on it after my class, as a drum carder is an investment, but if you're going to be purchasing fiber in the raw, it is worth it.

One last addition to this post is that I got a little festive, and I truly mean a little.  I wasn't going to decorate, or put up any decorations this year.  Just wasn't feeling it. Ended up at Sams Club with mom and they had predecorated christmas trees that are perennials.  I'm a sucker for plants, so for 19 bucks I got a small tree/shrub that will live past christmas, and hopefully not leave my house full of dried needles that I will find for the next three years, and no I don't wanna talk about it.  Also you'll note the Christmas cactus that I got from church, they were tagged with our names already, and I was so tempted to switch mine, because as you can see it is PINK.  If you're not very familiar with my color likes and dislikes, I am not a fan of pink.  At all. But I kept it anyway.  I know some friends and family who are huge fans of pink that might get a starter from this (dare I say it) almost pretty salmon pink cactus.  Please note that I haven't started this years Christmas knitting yet. Yes I know there are only 17 days till Christmas, and no I don't wanna talk about that either.

Big News!

We (C & I) have managed to create a teeny tiny ball of cells!  Half his, half mine, and we are FREAKING ECSTATIC!!! So we haven't really told anyone outside of our family and close friends that we were leaving ourselves open to having another baby, trying really isn't the right word.  We "tried" the first two months. Holy buckets did that feel like work. Sex, not supposed to be work, totally got THAT memo.  I told C that we were done "trying".  He said "Thank God".

So we stopped trying, and simply began enjoying each other again.  Two months later, Viola! I got up and POAS this morning, set it on the cabinet and went back to bed. I was tired, and I was pretty sure it was too early for it to be positive.  So when I got up to get ready to meet my dad at the hospital for surgery (I'll get to that in a moment), I checked the stick and this is what I saw

Uber faint I know, but I looked, and looked again, then went running back into the bedroom and flipped the light on.  Woke C up, all squinty eyed and shoved it in his face saying "SEE, SEE the line!!"  He replied, "um, no, not really, um I can't tell, cuz I can't see, cuz I'm SLEEPING" So I took the stick away and tried my darndest to pee again, both the shower and the sink turned on to help, ten minutes later, not happenin.  Downstairs for breakfast then, and back upstairs to get ready.  Finally had to pee, so I got out what I thought was just a regular clear blue easy, turned out it wasn't just a regular, it was digital!!!  Figured, well, this is gonna be a for sure, or not, no trying to discern a line.  So....

TADA!

No foolin, we did it! 

C is happy, and reserved.  He is my mister logic.  He's concerned about how early it is and that we're still at a high risk for loss.  He throws numbers, and percentages at me.  I full well understand this.  But I have learned to love what I have been given for as long as I can.  I can only enjoy this moment for as long as it lasts.  I will try my best not to worry until I've got something to worry about.  I also can't promise you that tomorrow I will be able to hold it together, so as always, one day, sometimes one hour, at a time.

Now onto dad.  Has had an area on his abdomen from a previous surgery that was simply not healing.  This had happened before, and there was an abscessed stitch which they had to remove.  So I was figuring it was the same thing again.  It turned out I was right, stitch removed, dad sewn up, and onward we go.  

Lets talk about knitting! This week I have been working on my last sisters socks, and they have come this far

  

They are kind of flying along as it is a wonderfully simple pattern of K, K2TOG, and YO.  :)

I also sat down on a night I was able to get off of work and did this

A gift for a friend who's having a baby supposedly around christmas, but the baby I do believe has other plans, as in her doctor doesn't think she'll make it to Sunday.  But that's ok, because the hat she wants to bring him home in is now done.

So while at the hospital today I cast on another one for my great nephew who is 8 months old. It knits up so fast I just couldn't resist.  It's Santa Hat for Babies from Ravelry of course.  I used Caron Simply Soft in Autum Red, and White, and then a white eyelash yarn that I promptly lost the ball band to.

I also got to play Wilderness Woman and spent almost 2 hours grinding up some of the deer that my lovely C shot this year.  He brought home both a male and a female, which hung for a week and aged.  Oh my, my, my that is some of the tenderest venison I have ever had.  Let me say that I feel extraordinarily blessed that I have a man who is able to resourcefully put meat on our table (he also cooks it, bless him).  As he pointed out, the initial investment in the gun and such is significant, but for the hundreds of pounds we put away each year, I am ever so grateful.  (more money for yarn right? ssssshhhh)

Just to give you an idea of the size of my kettle. That session yielded 24 pounds of ground.  We're still not done butchering them both yet.

 *Sidenote: the cords in the background of this picture is why *I* should not be put in charge of the electronics. Just sayin.

And here, is Mow.  Mow loves, and by loves I do mean LOVES to lay on my yarn.  If I happen to get up and walk away, I will bet the bank that if he's awake, and see's the abandon'd yarn, he will be on it lickety split.  He also doesn't mind laying on the yarn if I'm actively knitting with it.

I also had a knock down drag out fight/phone call with my middle sister the day after Thanksgiving.  Yes, that would be the same one who made me go pound wood just three day prior.  Again, I won't get into the dirty details, suffice to say that I will no longer be attending family functions in which she is present, I will gladly celebrate the holiday's with my mother and father at a later date.  C is super excited as this now means all scheduled holidays will be spent with his family. (he totally had a shit eatin grin on his face and did a happy dance).  After I got off the phone with her, I promptly went outside, with my protective eyewear, and beat the heck out of the log again. *sigh*  My friend Kim pointed out to me that what does it say about our relationship if I am driven to the point of going out and beating up a poor piece of wood after dealings with her.  I've just decided, that blood relation or no, life is too damn short to me that stressed out, and that upset.

I'll close with a couple of quick family photos, the first is us preparing for the family photo, the second is my sisters, mom, and my niece (by marriage god love her, she's the youngest blond, third from the left, the one who's look says, I'm so happy I don't have to live with these people) Also, let me just say that the second photo is not staged.  Its just my sisters at their most typical. :) Enjoy.

In Which My Rage Has Logic and Requires Protective Eyewear

I'll spare you the gory details, suffice to say that my middle sister came to visit, pushed quite a few buttons, and after three hours of her talking at me, her husband and her finally left.  At which point I calmly put on C's clear plastic safety eyeglass's, went out and rolled a couple hundred pound chunk of tree that had been cut down earlier this summer, grabbed the sledgehammer and went to town. The end result was a beaten up piece of wood, me having a fantastic cry, the kind where you can feel the wailing start at the tips of your toes, and work its way through your entire body before it escapes, and you end up a puddle of snot and tears and hiccuping sobs when its over.

Really and truly it was an amazing dichotomy of feeling so full of anger and rage, and at the same time so coldly calm.  I was never out of control, I didn't see red, every action I took was a logically thought through.  I bypassed the option of breaking the cheap thin wine glass's I ran across the other day, as well as taking the dishes down and throwing them, both for the same reason, I wouldn't be able to get out having to clean up the shards left over.  I thought of throwing them into the bottom of an empty trash can, but with my luck the pieces would come right back at me.  Hence the reason I wore the safety glass's.  Saved myself a trip to the ER in which I would have to explain that my sister is crazy and that I had to assault a log with a sledgehammer after she left.  I don't think that would go over so well.

After all the sobbing ended, and I had a few moments to regroup I called a dear friend and chatted about what had happened.  Sometimes, after an emotional moment, I just need to connect with someone, someone sane, who will confirm that I've not lost my mind, and that it's all going to be ok.

In the light of day, the log looks a little worse for the wear.  C came home and asked why there was a log and sledgehammer in the back lot.  When I explained, God love him, he just chuckled and gave me a hug.

And now onto the knitting pictures I promised.  Above spoken of sisters socks. Pattern I used was Java from the fabulous Knitty in the Malabrigo colorway Primavera.

Please pay no mind to my dirty floor.

She loves them. (yay) So much so that she asked how much they cost, how long it took me to make them, and then asked if I would make her at least five more pair, and that she would pay me for them.  Ok, side note, the yarn isn't all that expensive, its the time it takes me, about one and a half months to two months, to finish a pair.  Admittedly, I usually work on other small projects also, but still.  She just asked me to devote my next entire year of knitting to socks for her.  I honestly don't think she has any idea what she was asking.  I was so aghast I don't think I ever answered her. *sigh* (Now do you see why I had to go pound wood!?)

Moving on, here are C's house socks, once we got home he really wanted to put puff paint on the bottoms so he wouldn't fall down the stairs.  (I caved since his back is already fubar'd enough).  Super deduper soft Rowan Alpaca Chunky in Pigeon. The pattern I used was from Rowans brochure Winter Warmers.

I've also started their Snow Hat which doubles as a cowl.  Uber nifty if you ask me.  I'm using Rowans Lima in the Cusco colorway.  Its knitting up super fast.  I love me some Stockinette stitch in the round.  I'll be finishing my nephews hat tonight so he can take it home tomorrow.  I'm also hoping to cast on my last sisters pair of socks.  I'm using Crock-O-Dye's Chocolate colorway and the pattern Sunday Swing, again from the fabulous Knitty.  Well, my fire has burned down and needs tending, and I've got me some knitting to do.  I hope you all have a blessed Thanksgiving tomorrow, or whenever you choose to celebrate it.  As for me, I'll be premedicating and keeping the visit short so as to end on a high note.  (Much thanks to my dear friend Kim for suggesting that). 

Knitting Catch Up

I've managed to finish another sisters pair of socks.  They started back when C and I took a quick trip to Missouri.  We both desperately needed the get away.

I also started on a pair of house socks for C.

What a beautiful out cropping of rocks C found.  I just had to bring the socks up for a peek.

The view couldn't be beat.

Both pair of socks are now finished, I even gave in and put some paint on the bottom of C's socks so he won't slide down the stairs. Alpaca is so soft and cozy, but its also pretty slick on our wood floors.

I've also finished my BIL's hat and am now working on my nephews.  Hope to start the next pair of socks either tonight or tomorrow.  Pictures will follow when its not horribly dark and I can maybe show something resembling the actual colors of the yarn.  

By the way, it was painfully beautiful out on the water. 

All in all the trip was a success, as a certain someone found his smile again.

Its Been a Whale of a Day or Two (A delayed post)

So holy buckets full of tears.  Cant seem to stop crying the last couple of days.  I know that it is part of grieving, and I know I have every right to be crying right now, but it still sucks.  It is this horrible tricky tricky guilt that gets to me.  I seem to have set these expectations, that are absolute bullshit, and I was talking to a friend of mine at work about them, and she suggested that maybe I should try and read more of the grieving books or read stories online written by baby loss mamas, so I can see that it is okay to not meet the expectations I have for myself in my head.  So I realize that I'm not a bad mama for not having looked through all of P's pictures and videos yet (I have 6 CD/DVD's full), and that its okay that I haven't been able to write her birth story yet.  I don't know WHY I feel like I should have done these things.  Same reason maybe that I don't read more of the grief books, or stories online, or journal more.  They are all triggers, of sadness, I know I'll cry, some of them will cause instant panic attacks, horrible anxiety.  Who would WANT to do things that cause all of the above.  Its like sticking your hand in a boiling pot of water.  No rational person would do such a thing, because they obviously know that it will hurt like hell, and that the hurt won't go away anytime soon, and then how can you function with your burned hand?  You can't very well go to work and be expected to use your hand can you?  For me its the same with doing any of these things.  It feels like I have to wipe a day off the calendar and have nothing else planned because I won't be sure that I'll be able to function when I've done, or maybe even just started the task.  And its so exhausting, so tiring, it just takes everything out of me, I just wanna crawl in bed.

Then there is the unspeakable, the thoughts in my head that I know are mine but that don't make any sense to me.  The thought of suicide.  Its absolutely ridiculous. As horrible as losing my daughter was, I want to live, I don't feel hopeless, or helpless, I have days where I laugh, I still enjoy life, there is SOOOO much more I have left to do, I am not done living, so it can be so confusing when these thoughts enter my head.  And please, my friends, try your best not to worry. I have many many many people who love me who I know I can reach out to, and I do.  I know when I'm not okay to be alone.  I ask for help.  I can be honest about this.  It totally sucks, but it is part of my life, and I am blessed enough to be surrounded by people who love me, and who are able to hold me up when I can't stand myself.

I am so very grateful to all of you, who talk with me, and listen to me, laugh with me and let me cry.  I read the term somewhere, and have found that I have them also.  They are called grief-eaters, and you, my friends are that to me.  You, by listening, and sending me your love, and thoughts, and virtual hugs, and comforting tweets, by just letting me know you're thinking of me, bite by bite you ease my pain.

I began this post a few weeks ago.  I needed to take a bit of a break, refocus, and now I feel that I am able to come back and revisit it.  To admit that I have days like the ones when I began this post is difficult.  I am normally a pretty well contented person.  So to have these raging emotions flowing through me is hard at times to handle, and sometimes I just don't know where to put my emotions.  My counselor says that is me, trying to control the situation, and to put some form of order to what is chaos.

I have found several new blogs to follow, they are also mothers struggling with the loss of a child. I find a certain terrible kind of kinship in their words, having thought or felt nearly the exact things they are pouring out through their keyboards.  Sometimes it makes me feel a little less alone in my grief.   I can only hope I may lend that comfort to someone else.  

Downturn of a Day

Today I received a letter from the geneticist in the mail explaining exactly the type of OI my daughter had.  I knew the letter was coming. That didn't make reading it any easier.  I've not worked my way though my feelings about this.  Relief, maybe, I'm just not sure.  This came on the first day of my cycle.  That brings a different king of sadness.  I guess I didn't figure that it would take us long to get pregnant again.  And just writing that down, really does make it ever so much more real.  I feel very out of sorts.  Maybe its my brain just withdrawing from the overload that is this day.  Maybe a glass of wine and some knitting while kind of watching a movie will help.  It's worth a try at this point.  Tomorrow is a new day, with running and back to work.  Work always seems to get me back into the swing of things, whether I want to be or not.

Also, I never made it to the apple store, here's to hoping that my power cord doesn't melt down my computer before I cane get there tomorrow.

The beginning

I knit because it brings me peace, because I create something of beauty with my hands, two sticks and some string.  It passes the time while I wait, it calms my nerves when I'm on edge, it quiets my mind when the wheels just won't stop turning.  I just finished a hat for my father, to date it has been my fastest completed project, a little over 48 hours and it was done. I used Malabrigo Rios in the colorway 850 Archangel, and the pattern Hive Hat which I downloaded free from Ravelry which is hands down my favorite pattern site.

I just started on my third pair of christmas socks, by the way, by christmas I mean LAST christmas.  I have three pairs of socks and two more hats to go, and then I'll be caught up.  And today, I ordered two baby tulip sweater kits.  I love the kits that Finger Lakes Fibers have put together.  I got both the Monet and the Summer Lake kits, and also the pattern for the small hat shown above the Monet sweater.  For now I'm going to run, my cord to my MacBook Pro is frayed, and finally took a crap.  Thankfully they have one in stock at my local apple store.